Jeannie's Experience with Panic Disorder

Imagine being on top of the world:  a wonderful family, friends and lifestyle.  Everything in life under control and filled with blessings.

Imagine your entire life changing within a few weeks. Where there was confidence, security and love of life; there is now anxiety, fear and suicidal thoughts. Family, friends and lifestyle take a back seat to finding a way to make the pain go away.

This is what happened to me.

My condition began during a business trip.  I got very sick and was unable to sleep.  I began to “obsess” about not sleeping and when I got home, I started to experience anxiety symptoms that were extremely scary. The more anxious I became, the less sleep I got. I sought medical attention and I gave my trust and hope to a system that fed my anxiety with benzodiazepines and anti-depressant medication.  For me, those medications only made the situation worse.  My anxiety increased to a “fear” of becoming a drug addict, “fear” of ending up in a mental hospital,” and the most scary, the “fear” of the “fear.”  For me, these fears were so strong that not a day went by that I did not have extreme physical pain caused by escalating panic. The worst part of the situation was being incorrectly diagnosed with Insomnia, when in fact, I was suffering from Panic Disorder and OCD symptoms.  The nightmare continued to get worse as suicidal thoughts took root & eventually resulted in a suicide attempt.

To this day, I cannot believe my situation got so bad that I felt I could not live with the pain any longer. Believe me when I say that before the anxiety took hold, I would NEVER have considered suicide an option to any life circumstance.  I truly could see no way out.  I believed I had tried everything with countless therapists and medications…. and nothing worked.  Hopelessness surrounded me.

Having survived the suicide attempt, I was desperate to find a treatment that would help me.  At this point, I went to a new psychiatrist, hoping that this doctor would be the one to make a difference in my life. After discussing my situation, this wonderful man looked at me and said, “You do not need to see me, you need to go to the Anxiety Treatment Center in Sacramento.”

I was a bit skeptical at first, but after a few sessions with Dr. Robin, I began to feel hope for the first time in a year and a half.  Dr. Robin’s knowledge of anxiety and the fear that accompanies it helped tremendously in letting me know that I am not alone.  She explained that anyone experiencing a similar set of circumstances could wind up in the same situation I found myself in.  A few key things Dr. Robin has pointed out during our sessions have been very important in my recovery:

• Understanding my condition.  After only a few sessions I learned that the anxiety I initially felt was due to a fear of not sleeping, not insomnia.  This small distinction made a big difference in understanding the way my brain processed fear and helped me to gain a better handle on addressing them. 

• Exposure to my fears.  One method that was used to treat my anxiety and fear was slow and steady exposure to not just the fear, but the consequence of that fear.  I would be lying if I did not say that addressing my particular fears has been extremely hard and yes, scary at times.  However, this recovery tool does work and where there used to be a dark, scary hole, there is now improved clarity. Where I used to panic and feel despair, I now have hope. 

• Living in the moment, acknowledging progress, and recognizing cognitive distortions.  Here is an example: 

Me: “Dr. Robin, why does the anxiety always come back?  I am so tired of these symptoms. They are never going to end.”  

Dr. Robin: “So you always feel the symptoms….24 hours a day?”  

Me:  “No, not 24 hours a day.”

Dr. Robin: “So on an average day, how long would you say you experience your anxiety symptoms?” 

Me: “Well, maybe two hours a day or so.” 

Dr. Robin: “So two hours out of 24?” 

Me:  “Well, yeah.  I guess that’s not so bad”

Dr. Robin:  “What you are doing is called “All or None” thinking.  It is very black and white and an example of a cognitive distortion.  If you tell yourself that you have anxiety all day long, you will in turn feel terrible.  If you recognize that you have anxiety only a couple hours out of the day, it makes it more manageable. It is important to also recognize how far you’ve come, your successes, and build on them.  If you “Catastrophize” which is another form of a cognitive distortion, you will find yourself in an endless pattern of defeat.”

Breaking down my cognitive distortions along with Exposure therapy has changed my life.  I am in recovery and now realize that I do not need to know when it will all be better.  The important thing is that I take each day as it comes, understand that ‘it is what it is’ and keep things in perspective. I accept that I have Panic Disorder, but it does not have me!  I am happy to say I have learned the tools to manage my anxiety and no longer have to go to therapy.

If you experience anxiety, fear and panic, I highly recommend that you seek treatment from someone who truly understands how to treat these conditions.  If I had been properly diagnosed from the beginning and referred to the proper treatment providers, I truly believe much of the pain and suffering that I experienced could have been avoided.